I debated whether or not to include this very personal part of me on a web page for all the world to see.  However, I realize that I am not alone in this struggle.  Infertility is affecting more and more women each and every day.  I chose the picture for this page for a reason.  Going through infertility on a daily, weekly, monthly and yearly basis was and is like a train running over and through my heart.

 

You see, I...like every other woman who is dealing with infertility...thought it would never happen to me.  After all, why would it?  Steve and I were both young, healthy and all of our previous physicals showed no reason why we couldn't have children.  At 20 and 21, we thought we had forever to start our family.  However, when the time came and month after month so did my period, the word infertility became all too real for both of us. 

 

As members of the human race, I believe we seek out those who have had similar life experiences, trials, heartaches, joys, etc. to share and sympathize/empathize with one another.  The world of infertility for me was a very lonely one.  No one I knew at that time had a problem with infertility.  But everyone I knew did have something to say about infertility.  Everyone...and I do mean EVERYONE...knew what we needed to do to conceive.  And everyone wanted to ask the famous questions,

 

"Do you want kids?"

 

To which I replied, "Yes.  We'd love children." 

 

To which they would reply, "Well, are you trying?" 

 

Excuse me?  Did you seriously just ask me about our personal life?  Since when did this become socially acceptable?!?

 

For me, and by my own choosing, infertility was a personal battle.  After all, there were only a few things that could be wrong with Steve and he after a few relatively simples tests, he checked out fine.  I felt that our ability to procreate was resting entirely in my hands, on my shoulders and in my heart.  Looking back, I rarely told Steve anything about what tests the doctor was doing, what exactly was going on, how many times in a week I would visit the doctor, how many blood samples I had given, how many appointments I had attended, etc., etc.  Now, again, let me say...this was my own fault.  Steve would have been more than happy to be supportive, I didn't let him.  I really don't know why.  I guess, like I said, I felt it was my own battle. 

 

Without getting into boring details, I will sum up my infertility experience.  At first I went to my regular OB/GYN who had no answers.  But with his enormous doctor ego in the way, he was not willing to refer me to a specialist.  Apparently it was more fun seeing me every month for over two years with no results.  Well, for me two years was long enough.  We started asking around and found a very reputable IVF/Infertility specialist whose office was conveniently located only miles from my work.  Thus the appointments began.  There were weeks where I would go to the doctor every single day to see if I had a mature egg.  This went on for almost two years.  At the start of seeing this specialist, Steve and I had discussed how far we were willing to go with infertility treatments.  We really didn't know at this time when we'd stop , but after months and months of seeing the doctor so many times in a month they all knew my name, getting no answers and no results, I threw up the white flag in surrender.  I mean, seriously, how many months can a girl go hoping, praying and begging to be pregnant...late periods, no periods, so many odd things, yet, no baby.  I couldn't handle the disappointment and the sense of rejection.  I would look at unwed mothers and feel my anger rising.  Why could she have a baby, but we couldn't?  So many questions, so few answers.  I felt like God was mad at me for some unknown reason and that's why we couldn't have a baby. 

 

We finally came to terms with the fact that we...Steve, me, Nugget {our cocker spaniel} and now Zoe {our sassy cat}...was all the Evans Family there would ever be for us.  Adoption was not an option for us...rather for me...at this point.  The spoiled brat I was if I couldn't have my own baby that I gave birth to, I didn't want one at all. 

 

Well, maturity finally kicked in around age 29.  I realized I wasn't getting any younger and my yearning to be a mother was not getting any weaker with each passing year.  My mom brought up adoption again and this time we looked into...seriously looked into it...with new eyes...at least I had new eyes.  I found that adoption could be a wonderful and rewarding way to bring a child up in this world.  I searched my heart and found that the child that God blessed us with...through whatever means...would be "our child" and I would love him or her just as much as if I carried them in my womb and travailed in labor to bring them into this world.  Adoption also brought me I word I hadn't experienced in a while...HOPE!  My hope of becoming a mother was restored.  My faith in God was restored.  My dream of becoming a family was renewed.

 

On March 5, 2006 we met J. 

 

On March 13, 2006 J chose us as the adoptive family.  We found out we were having a son on or about May 20, 2006!  We were SO excited!

 

A few weeks later we chose his name...Carsyn Wayne Evans.  The dream was more real than ever before.

 

No, the journey has not been an easy one, but I know when I hold Carsyn in my arms I will not have wanted it any other way.  After all, the idea of Carsyn has been growing in my heart for ten long years.  At 32 I'm anxiously awaiting becoming a mom...Carsyn's mom...and nothing...absolutely nothing sounds better than that.

 

So, if you're struggling with infertility, you're not alone.  I'll be your friend.  I can empathize.  I've been there too.  Please e-mail me.  I would love to hear from you. 

 

If you know someone dealing with infertility, be sensitive.  Don't tell them to relax and stop thinking about it.  Don't tell them every story you've ever heard of a woman who couldn't get pregnant for years and miraculously was pregnant with twins.  Let me tell you from experience...we don't care!  We're not pregnant with twins!  Just tell them you love them, you're praying for them, you support them, that you don't understand but you'll try and be a listening ear and a shoulder to cry on when they need one. 

 

And when and if you decide to adopt, the comments don't stop!  Everyone will tell you about every adoption nightmare they've ever heard and every woman who adopted a baby and got pregnant moments later!  Just smile and nod...it's the best response! 

 

But most of all remember, GOD IS IN CONTROL.  Ultimately, no matter what the outcome, God knows exactly what is best for us.  It's taken me ten long years, but I've finally realized that we can't control any situation in life...only He can.  He has orchestrated our adoption to this point perfectly and we know He will continue to do so.  God heard the cry of Hannah's heart, He heard the cry of mine and He'll hear yours too.

 

Lovingly,

 

Melissa